Body Pump

At this time of year, it is traditional for members of the general public to embark upon a quest to change ones life… for the better, presumably. Needless to say, there is nothing whatsoever about my own fabulous life that requires change; as for my character, it is often remarked that if one possessed a little humility, one would be quite perfect… and who wants that! Why, it might make other gentlemen feel inadequate! But it did occur to me that my own gentle readers might have something or other that needs change (apart from their neglectful failure to leave calling cards) and so I propose offering a little inspiration for those without imagination.

Given how the international gay league places a great emphasis upon physical appearance- something which I take great issue with- one does urge that you all do something to improve your personal fitness; after all, aside from enhancing your desirability and increasing chances of violent love-making (commonly referred to as ‘picking up’) this will greatly benefit your personal self-esteem… and stamina.

Running for an hour no less than four times a week, swimming on the alternate days for no less than half an hour, will ensure that you achieve a physical condition almost equal my own… not quite so fabulous, but we can’t all have everything. One appreciates you might not live alongside the beautiful Jardin de Luxembourg, or that it might be a little too cold to venture outside of the squalid miserable building that you live in; therefore one encourages participation in a Body Pump class at your nearest public gymnasium, in order to get into an acceptable shape.

Having attended on a regular basis, you will quickly learn all of the routines and tire of hearing California by Phantom Planet. At that stage, one recommends investing in a set of weights and exercising at home to maintain your fitness, using a more inspired soundtrack; for your enjoyment, I provide one of my own.

This routine, twelve different exercises in total, lasts for approximately one hour with 2-3 sets per exercise, each set consisting of 10 or 12 lifts; set to the right weight, your last repetition ought produce a concentrated muscular action referred to as 'muscle burn'- the sting within the muscle being worked, increasing with each successive repetition… a good pain, which allows greater muscle overload and subsequent increased muscle adaptation.

Full Body Workout Routine

Hung Up by Madonna : warm-up

All Nite (Don’t Stop) by Janet Jackson : back (squats)

Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani : shoulders and pectorals (shoulder press)

I don’t feel like dancing by Scissor Sisters : back (lifts)

Inner Smile by Texas : triceps (weights)

Love Foolospohy by Jamiroquai : chest (push ups)

Hey Ya! by Outkast : pectorals (press and lifts)

Crazy in love by Beyonce : legs (squats)

Galvanise by The Chemical Brothers : triceps (barbell curls)

Bootylicious by Destiny’s Child : abdomen (crunches)

Sex Bomb by Tom Jones : oblique muscles

Destroy everything you touch by Ladytron : buttocks (leg raises)

All for you by Janet Jackson : more abdomen work (crunches)

Kiss my sex machine (mashup) by Prince/James Brown : middle section (hyperextensions)

If unwilling or incapable of commitment to a regular fitness programme, one insists upon your taking ten minutes every day to exercise buttocks: after two weeks performing this exercise, you will notice a significant difference whenever they are in the appreciative hands of another.

Remind yourself how superficial the gay league are, and when it comes to first impressions, penile endowment and buttocks matter more than any other aspect of your physical appearance, certainly more than character: while nature is responsible for the former, responsibility for the latter is entirely your own.

For those who raise eyebrows at the song one listen to when warming up, please bear in mind that there’s a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain.