Santa Shock!

Only 2 days to go, gentle reader... And at this time of year, it is upsetting for a discerning reader to find sensationalistic headlines in a respectably liberal newspaper like The Guardian, along the lines of Santa dies at children's party

One imagines more than one bah-humbugy reader with a sick and twisted sense of humour clicking on that headline, snickering over the quotes "[the children] knew something was wrong with Santa as he went away with the two guys, but they didn't see anything further,” followed by "it has been quite a shock for everybody, but my view is that he [Santa] was there thoroughly enjoying himself when he was struck down"

It has been a season filled with shocking news about Santa, particularly that story about Brutally Frank Santa in Harrods who- unable to cope with the strain of long hours in the grotto- made abusive comments to children… although one expects that in characteristic style, the Daily Mail exaggerated reports of Santa’s remarks to an Asian family, along the lines of: "What are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be down shopping in Tesco?" before lewdly asking if their teenage daughter wanted to sit on his knee.

One concludes that next Christmas, all Santa applicants will have to pass a fitness examination … and have their mouths washed out.