Open Letter... to Ms J Timberlake

Dear Ms Timberlake,

One writes to express regret… for having ignored your second album.

After hearing ‘Sexy Back’, one browsed Futuresex/Lovesongs at a listening post (because one has been known to purchase a little something silly for the purposes of dancing in the comfort of my fabulous penthouse) and upon perusal, suffice to say that one certainly did not consider purchasing.

Given my influence upon the general public, slating your best endeavours led to disappointing sales, with the result that last week, one discovered the album in a bargain-bin at half price, and in a moment of desperation and weakness, invested in a copy.

Imagine my surprise to discover that only several of the tracks are rubbish, with the remainder, while starting in a sadly predictable fashion, actually becoming rather bad… in the 1980’s Michael Jackson sense of the word, although perhaps a Prince comparison is more accurate given how shamelessly his earlier work has been ripped off. Hardly future sounds, Ms Timberlake, but since one was rather fond of all this in my adolescence, one has no hesitation recommending your reduced-price album to those in search of a popped-up funk nostalgia.

But a word of advice: it is unwise to allow tracks to run seven minutes: next time, keep all songs under four minutes, and introduce interesting funkedy variations in the first thirty seconds. Bear in mind that the general public, in particular the gay league, have a short attention span… and yes, that will also apply to your career.

Insincerely,

Ms C Quisp